Gettin’ Political.

I realize it’s been a very long time since my last post. No, I haven’t been seeing anyone else and no you may not check me for hickies. That crosses a line, Gentle Reader. If we can’t trust each other, what do we have? In any event, you’re looking well. You finally ditched the perm I see – good call. And you say you’ve stopped biting your toenails? I know that had to have been hard.

Anyway, I’ve been away because I’ve actually been working on a screenplay. What? Actual writing updates on my blog? I’m just as surprised as you are. This rewrite has consumed a great deal of my time. It’s going well and it’s almost finished. I hope to have more to say about it later, you know, assuming someone wants to purchase it and stuff. Jeah, that would be sweet. Sorry, I turned into Ryan Lochte for a moment there.

So just so you know I haven’t forgotten about you, I thought I’d write a quick blog post. I appreciate your enthusiasm. You are SO welcome.

In case you were unaware (or simply are too cynical to give even a single fuck – no one blames you), there’s a rather significant election coming up here in a couple weeks. I hope you’re going to vote even if your ballot will be cast for Harry Ballz, Haywood Jablowme, Ben Dover, Hugh Jass, or Phil McCracken; at least you’re part of the political process. Politicians are an interesting lot. I always get nervous when they want to discuss the Big Picture. Is it important to see the forest? Absolutely, but sometimes you need to look at a goddamned tree once in a while. Let’s look at it through something relatable: sandwiches. Let’s suppose when Candidate A talks about sandwiches, he’s referring to Miracle Whip and olive loaf on Wonder bread. That’s something the devil can’t even serve in hell due to all the HR complaints. When Candidate B talks about sandwiches, he’s referring to Nutella and marshmallow fluff on cinnamon raisin bread – a sandwich so delicious you would get dehydrated from the tears of joy you would weep from simply taking a single bite. In short, details matter. Before casting a ballot, find out if your candidate supports hell-wiches or the literal food of the gods… or just vote for Dixon Buttz – his economic policy is sound. This is about as political as I get.

And here are a couple of political things I posted on Facebook recently. If you haven’t read them, this will hopefully give you a chuckle. If you have, this will be an exercise in redundancy. Either way I’m excited for you:

“One issue that keeps getting ignored during these debates: sea monsters. What do these candidates plan to do about the Godzillas, Cloverfields, Krakens, Cthulus, and other leviathans of the deep that threaten our ships at sea and coastal cities? Until this issue is addressed, I shall remain an undecided voter.”

My Ideal Presidential Candidate:

•Smells like Skittles

•Has a pants-melting moustache

•Wants to invade Canada to tap their vast denim reserves

•Has been to at least one Whitesnake concert

•Often wears scuba gear, but has never been scuba diving

•Drinks Capri Sun out of a glass

•Thinks we should photobomb Iran

•Wants to criminalize country music

•Wants to legalize pineapples

•Favorite movie is The Beastmaster

•Believes pants are always optional

•Has jumped a motorcycle over something at least 15 feet long and 8 feet high

•Refers to people who say “a whole nother” or use LOL & exclamation points excessively as the “real Axis of Evil”

•Makes his own underwear from plastic grocery bags

•Thinks chocolate lava cakes are made by wizards

•Thinks the Supreme Court is a reality show featuring Diana Ross as a small claims court judge

•Loves the movie Grease, but hates the musical

•Refers to his/her genitals as “The Commander in Chief”

•Has high-fived a walrus or sea lion

•Roller skates everywhere

•Doesn’t blindly trust the Gorton’s fisherman